I don't know how many of you are finishing, or have finished your mission papers (my guess would be none) but let me tell you it is quite the experience. I am not the kind of person that gets stressed...not just stressed easily, I mean stressed at all. I consider myself in many respects simply apathetic. I don't really worry about things in life because I don't believe that worrying or stressing will fix it or even make it better, but over the last 2 months I have experienced this anxiety that is called stress.
I blame my mission, I blame college, and most of all I blame sleep. Thanks to this new found stress reliever known as blogging I have been able to dissipate much of those feelings. At this point even I feel like I am rambling. I will address these in an organized manner though.
I can not remember a time, barring the last six months, when I have not been excited to go on a mission, to learn a language and to serve the Lord. It has been something that I was not only taught but something I have wanted to do as well. I would spend many sleepless nights thinking about where I might go, which language I would learn, if any. Until Jr. High the bulk of my thoughts were on this important topic. I would try to do all I could to prepare, and so by 13 I had read the Book of Mormon through twice. Now I don't really know if that is unusual and I don't say it to boast or make myself look spiritual but for you to understand where I came from. I would continue in this kind of path and it would lead me to many wonderful experiences, experiences that I will never forget and would never want to trade away. The gospel is just like that. The economy of the gospel is sure and consistent. I realized as my mission came within the year mark that though I had been the "good" Mormon boy I was not prepared for the trail that would be my mission. I still am not sure if I am ready and now I feel like I am caught up in a 4 month cram session. I have to learn not spiritual self-reliance for that comes from the gospel but a person self-reliance that one must have in order to survive 2 years away from home. I want to gain all of the knowledge I can, feel the spirit everyday, and always wake up with a sincere prayer in my heart. These in my mind our worthwhile goals, goals that will get me where I want to go. I am feeling better already. The stress of the Mish-prep is real but worthwhile, it is kind of like spiritual adrenaline that gets you ready for the greatest experience of you life. So for all of you who haven't gotten here yet...get pumped!
Next is college. The only reason this is stressful to me is because though I am not the smartest kid in the world, high school was a breeze. I never studied for anything, most especially not for AP tests. I took 4 tests and I think that the total of study for all of them was 15 minutes. I just never had to study, school had never required it of me. I didn't get a 4.0 but I really didn't feel the need for one. I never got less than a 4 on my AP exams, and I felt like I was a pretty kick trash student. Now again I am not saying this to boast for of myself I am weak, but to help you understand my dilemma. I am in college and yet I still don't study and let me tell you studying in college is a must. So with a lack of studying skills and a lack of understanding when it comes to homework I have left myself in a lurch with no easy way out, I guess I will have to learn to work.
Last but certainly not least, there is sleep. My greatest enemy. There is nothing I want more but there is nothing that hampers my ability more. I crave sleep. I love the feeling of slipping into oblivion, of losing awareness and I love the "out of it" groggy feeling that comes upon awakening. At the same time there must also be opposition in all things. I always feel at my peak at night. I am awake, alert, my ideas are flowing, and I only want to do what is right and good. My prayers are always more sincere and the spirit seemed heightened. I love those 2 or 3 ours of complete control and repentance. They are best of the day. So then I top it all of with that slipping into oblivion with the satisfaction that I am "all good". When I awake the next morning all of that is gone. Sleep has robbed me of the feelings I had the night before and it makes me a different person with the dawning of a new day. I still don't really know what to do about this dilemma. Many nights have been spent wondering how I can avoid the personality amnesia that comes from sleep but to no avail.
There are few things better in this life and expressing than talking about what and how you feel. It changes you and clears your mind. Those are my grievances and those are the things that seem to be plaguing me but I am reminded of the words spoken to Joseph Smith. If ye shall endure it well all things shall work together for your good.
I know this sounds like a testimony meeting, and a bad one at that but I really and truly can not separate the gospel from my life nor would I. It is my life, it is who I am.
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1 comment:
Good post buddy. I love your little testimony meetings, they're a great strength. It's so cool that you can express that so fearlessly. I'm always afraid to post spiritual stuff, even though it's such a huge part of the way I think.
You're a raging stallion Karlito, keep up the good work. Good luck on that mission prep business, I'm sure you'll be ready.
Keep on posting, it's been a while. you're a good fellow, we need some more writings to uplift us.
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