That Which We Cannot Have

It seems a peculiar quality in us humans that we always seem to want either that which we cannot have or do not deserve. I've even found this same condition in myself. I am inclined to view this as a problem, a flaw in human nature but i have decided against it because in all truthfulness i am not qualified to decide what is and is not good or praise-worthy about the innate human condition.

Now that being said this post may be a little to emotionally revealing for some of you who may be reading so if you are easily unnerved or "creeped-out" i would suggest turning away...or at least navigating away from this page.

There is someone that i believe is exceptional, someone who means a great deal to me that just recently came into my life. Well that statement isn't completely accurate. She came into my life some time ago but we had been out of contact for years. Now to be honest i didn't think much of her when i first met her, in fact, though her personality was intriguing i was to shallow to see who she was and was only interested because she seemed to be so taken with me. I regret that now but really it wasn't the time and certainly there was not place for any legitimate "romantic" hopes so could i go back, i don't know that i would do anything differently...i digress.

As i had the opportunity at the beginning of this month to get to know her again i quickly realized two things, one that she was far too good for me, someone i could never have or even deserve, and second that i was falling for her. She seemed to be everything i would ever want which was such a paradox to me, knowing as i did, that i could never merit such a person. Now just to be clear i don't want you to think that i am simply putting on a face of false humility or being self-deprecating, that just isn't me...frankly i love myself too much. The point is that i could espouse to you the many qualities that make her so great but in a very real sense it would be a great disrespectful to her to give such information without proper consent.

So anyway in accordance with societal customs i asked her out on a date and she said yes. So we went out, it was something simple but it was such a great date. Now i don't know how much she enjoyed it but it really was the best date i have had post-mission. Now to all those who know me, they know that i take disappointment in stride and really nothing can get me down. I would say that it is because i don't care enough about things in life, i put very few things as a priority above my own happiness. My mother would say it is just my carefree nature...regardless of the cause i was surprised by my reaction to the succeeding events.

As happy and blissful as i felt the night of the date and during the following day, it was just a mirror image of how i felt come Sunday. Now in her defense she has been nothing but kind, genuine, civil, honest, and direct with me (you would expect no less from someone like her) but of course i felt very differently about things than she did...

The inspiration for writing all of this came tonight as i thought back on it all, still feeling very much the same (not sad, i mean feeling the same about her), and worst knowing that she feels the same as she did as well. I realized that nothing i do, no matter how creative or "cute", or impressive will ever change her mind. Only her choice and her feelings will be able to achieve that...and so i have come full circle. It is the sad state of the Human Condition that we want what we can't have. We seek what we think we most want only to be denied it when it is found. This may be a little melodramatic but the feelings are real.

I haven't lost all hope, despite the appearance this post portrays. I am a little worried that if she were to stumble upon this blog she would immediately abandon any small interest she may still have in me but i needed this opportunity to put my thoughts down somewhere, to write. There is power in the writing, i just hope there is enough.

Misc.

I have several unrelated items I want to post tonight. Not that they aren't related to me so much as they aren't really related to each other. The first will be the long a waited post about my good friend Nick Morandi. Second will be the importance and the value of good music. Last but not lease will be girls.

So if you are an avid reader of my blog...or if you just caught my first blog you will notice a thanks went out to Nick Morandi for humbling me in Ultimate. I think it is probably wise to expound on this subject so here it comes. Last year when the year was winding down a lot of Ultimate was being played. It was the first time that I had played with that specific group, and the only people I really knew were Kyle and Brad. I had heard of Thatcher and I knew a few others by reputation but over all that was it. I had only heard a few things about Nick Morandi. I knew that he was well liked and I had only heard good things but like most people, I felt that of course he would be inferior to me when it came to ultimate. Yeah, I know I was a cocky jerk last year. I had only played backyard and pick up Ultimate, I had certainly never played with the caliber of Ultim-ites that I had the privilege to play with that day. So I was humbled in general but then one time I went to receive the disk and Nick shut down somethin' fierce. He caught the Frisbee and then made a great pass with me guarding him. So then I ran down field guarding him and he still caught the disk again and scored!! I couldn't believe it. I had been royally shown up by a Sophomore! I definitely was shocked. Not only did I gain respect for good ole' Nick Morandi but I was also humbled quite a bit. I think that this helped me start to get rid of my own bigotry and pride/vanity. So thanks again Nick. :)

Tonight I had the honor of going to the Concert Band and Orchestra concert. It was pretty sweet. I have General Authorities to back me up on this one but I think there is an amazing spirit that comes with Instrumental music. I think that all though I am sure choirs will be heavily prevalent in Heaven, I think the Lord has a special place in his heart for classical type music. Maybe that is just me though.

Again, last but not least, girls. I don't know what it is about them. I know I have been taught that lesson about natural attraction in Sunday School about a hundred times but I still don't understand how I can shift my feelings so quickly. I like girls, then I don't, then I do, then I don't again. Why is that. I almost think it is the natural man battling with my spiritual parts. I don't now but I think there is something to be said for the feeling of mission prep. I feel I have more control and a better understanding of girls because of it. Preparing for a mission is the coolest ever! I encourage all LDS young men to pursue it and if you aren't LDS, convert and allow the Lord to work in you as you prepare to serve him. You will never regret it!