I didn't MEAN to...

You know the tragedy of that phrase is that it is supposed to make everything that happened un-happen, it's supposed to make it all better despite the obvious fact that it doesn't.

We act as if by saying that if the act performed, words spoken, or hurt given, wasn't "intended" then it is less real of a hurt or simply a more cope-able pain. The fact is that it doesn't. I know this sounds immature and i can feel the "mature" side of me saying, "Karl, you don't want to write this, it doesn't help anything," but i think i must beg to differ. Somethings are simply better when you get them off your chest.

The only consolation of the "I didn't meant to..." phrase is that it does in fact make it much easier to forgive and forget but it still leaves you with "Pain, lots of pain."

That Which We Cannot Have

It seems a peculiar quality in us humans that we always seem to want either that which we cannot have or do not deserve. I've even found this same condition in myself. I am inclined to view this as a problem, a flaw in human nature but i have decided against it because in all truthfulness i am not qualified to decide what is and is not good or praise-worthy about the innate human condition.

Now that being said this post may be a little to emotionally revealing for some of you who may be reading so if you are easily unnerved or "creeped-out" i would suggest turning away...or at least navigating away from this page.

There is someone that i believe is exceptional, someone who means a great deal to me that just recently came into my life. Well that statement isn't completely accurate. She came into my life some time ago but we had been out of contact for years. Now to be honest i didn't think much of her when i first met her, in fact, though her personality was intriguing i was to shallow to see who she was and was only interested because she seemed to be so taken with me. I regret that now but really it wasn't the time and certainly there was not place for any legitimate "romantic" hopes so could i go back, i don't know that i would do anything differently...i digress.

As i had the opportunity at the beginning of this month to get to know her again i quickly realized two things, one that she was far too good for me, someone i could never have or even deserve, and second that i was falling for her. She seemed to be everything i would ever want which was such a paradox to me, knowing as i did, that i could never merit such a person. Now just to be clear i don't want you to think that i am simply putting on a face of false humility or being self-deprecating, that just isn't me...frankly i love myself too much. The point is that i could espouse to you the many qualities that make her so great but in a very real sense it would be a great disrespectful to her to give such information without proper consent.

So anyway in accordance with societal customs i asked her out on a date and she said yes. So we went out, it was something simple but it was such a great date. Now i don't know how much she enjoyed it but it really was the best date i have had post-mission. Now to all those who know me, they know that i take disappointment in stride and really nothing can get me down. I would say that it is because i don't care enough about things in life, i put very few things as a priority above my own happiness. My mother would say it is just my carefree nature...regardless of the cause i was surprised by my reaction to the succeeding events.

As happy and blissful as i felt the night of the date and during the following day, it was just a mirror image of how i felt come Sunday. Now in her defense she has been nothing but kind, genuine, civil, honest, and direct with me (you would expect no less from someone like her) but of course i felt very differently about things than she did...

The inspiration for writing all of this came tonight as i thought back on it all, still feeling very much the same (not sad, i mean feeling the same about her), and worst knowing that she feels the same as she did as well. I realized that nothing i do, no matter how creative or "cute", or impressive will ever change her mind. Only her choice and her feelings will be able to achieve that...and so i have come full circle. It is the sad state of the Human Condition that we want what we can't have. We seek what we think we most want only to be denied it when it is found. This may be a little melodramatic but the feelings are real.

I haven't lost all hope, despite the appearance this post portrays. I am a little worried that if she were to stumble upon this blog she would immediately abandon any small interest she may still have in me but i needed this opportunity to put my thoughts down somewhere, to write. There is power in the writing, i just hope there is enough.

Idleness

Hello everyone!

It has been a month to the day since I last got on to post. Due to the inability to get on to my new beta account and because I haven't had any real thought provoking moments (I know appalling!)

But now I am back and lately I have spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out what motivates me, what drives me and why I like to just sit around so much.

Now I don't want you to think that I don't like life or that I just sit in a depressed stupor all day but I must admit the thought of work makes me feel not so good.

With a mission less than three months away I see this as a serious problem and as of yet I have found nothing to remedy the problem.

If any of you understand the color code I am a Yellow, and for those of you who don't understand that means that I am spontaneously fun and that I would rather play than do anything...all of you who know me know that this is more than true.

So as I was saying, I just cant find anything to really drive me, even the gospel. Now I haven't stopped doing what I am supposed to be doing but I just don't feel this great drive to be great or to be the best or even compete for that matter.

Anytime something comes up that I will have to work for it all of a sudden becomes not so important.

I just had an epiphany as a I was looking through an old Seminary folder, GOALS!!

This is going to end abruptly but I just figured it out...over and out.

A Look Back...

I don't know how many of you are finishing, or have finished your mission papers (my guess would be none) but let me tell you it is quite the experience. I am not the kind of person that gets stressed...not just stressed easily, I mean stressed at all. I consider myself in many respects simply apathetic. I don't really worry about things in life because I don't believe that worrying or stressing will fix it or even make it better, but over the last 2 months I have experienced this anxiety that is called stress.

I blame my mission, I blame college, and most of all I blame sleep. Thanks to this new found stress reliever known as blogging I have been able to dissipate much of those feelings. At this point even I feel like I am rambling. I will address these in an organized manner though.

I can not remember a time, barring the last six months, when I have not been excited to go on a mission, to learn a language and to serve the Lord. It has been something that I was not only taught but something I have wanted to do as well. I would spend many sleepless nights thinking about where I might go, which language I would learn, if any. Until Jr. High the bulk of my thoughts were on this important topic. I would try to do all I could to prepare, and so by 13 I had read the Book of Mormon through twice. Now I don't really know if that is unusual and I don't say it to boast or make myself look spiritual but for you to understand where I came from. I would continue in this kind of path and it would lead me to many wonderful experiences, experiences that I will never forget and would never want to trade away. The gospel is just like that. The economy of the gospel is sure and consistent. I realized as my mission came within the year mark that though I had been the "good" Mormon boy I was not prepared for the trail that would be my mission. I still am not sure if I am ready and now I feel like I am caught up in a 4 month cram session. I have to learn not spiritual self-reliance for that comes from the gospel but a person self-reliance that one must have in order to survive 2 years away from home. I want to gain all of the knowledge I can, feel the spirit everyday, and always wake up with a sincere prayer in my heart. These in my mind our worthwhile goals, goals that will get me where I want to go. I am feeling better already. The stress of the Mish-prep is real but worthwhile, it is kind of like spiritual adrenaline that gets you ready for the greatest experience of you life. So for all of you who haven't gotten here yet...get pumped!

Next is college. The only reason this is stressful to me is because though I am not the smartest kid in the world, high school was a breeze. I never studied for anything, most especially not for AP tests. I took 4 tests and I think that the total of study for all of them was 15 minutes. I just never had to study, school had never required it of me. I didn't get a 4.0 but I really didn't feel the need for one. I never got less than a 4 on my AP exams, and I felt like I was a pretty kick trash student. Now again I am not saying this to boast for of myself I am weak, but to help you understand my dilemma. I am in college and yet I still don't study and let me tell you studying in college is a must. So with a lack of studying skills and a lack of understanding when it comes to homework I have left myself in a lurch with no easy way out, I guess I will have to learn to work.

Last but certainly not least, there is sleep. My greatest enemy. There is nothing I want more but there is nothing that hampers my ability more. I crave sleep. I love the feeling of slipping into oblivion, of losing awareness and I love the "out of it" groggy feeling that comes upon awakening. At the same time there must also be opposition in all things. I always feel at my peak at night. I am awake, alert, my ideas are flowing, and I only want to do what is right and good. My prayers are always more sincere and the spirit seemed heightened. I love those 2 or 3 ours of complete control and repentance. They are best of the day. So then I top it all of with that slipping into oblivion with the satisfaction that I am "all good". When I awake the next morning all of that is gone. Sleep has robbed me of the feelings I had the night before and it makes me a different person with the dawning of a new day. I still don't really know what to do about this dilemma. Many nights have been spent wondering how I can avoid the personality amnesia that comes from sleep but to no avail.

There are few things better in this life and expressing than talking about what and how you feel. It changes you and clears your mind. Those are my grievances and those are the things that seem to be plaguing me but I am reminded of the words spoken to Joseph Smith. If ye shall endure it well all things shall work together for your good.

I know this sounds like a testimony meeting, and a bad one at that but I really and truly can not separate the gospel from my life nor would I. It is my life, it is who I am.

The Stake Choir

Before I get to the point of this blog I want to send out some wise counsel to all of you out there in cyber space. Don't get sick, and don't fall on your left knee in a parking lot. This might seem random to you but last night I was getting sick and I spent a night sweating my brains out despite the fact that I was freezing. It was certainly an experience to be remembered. Then this morning (still sick) I was awoken to my sister telling me that I needed to go to the gas station and give my Dad a jump. I went in my pajama pants that are beginning to not be pajama pants anymore and then the car would not be jumped. Little did we know the alternator and the battery are fine and the problem was the starter...go figure. So we decided to push the extremely heavy car into a parking stall, so that a tow truck could come get it. It is important to understand that I was not being my wisest self. I was wearing my brown dress shoes and I found as I pushed the car, they have zero traction on wet asphalt. I went down pretty hard on my left knee and found that my entire knee cap had begun to swell and it was completely black and blue. I tell you this not for your pity or for you to send your good vibes my way but to let you know that it is neither wise nor seemly to fall on your left knee in a parking lot.

Now to the main point. I have the opportunity to spend an hour to an hour and a half every week singing in Stake Choir. It is our Christmas Choir and I choose to do it every year, though at this point in the practices I don't know why. After being in Madrigals or any of "T"-Mamma's choirs it is somewhat of a let down to sing anywhere else. The quality of singing is not near as high, the speed at which the choir learns is drastically slower and the songs seem somewhat less than poetic. Though there is something to be said for a stake choir. I believe D&C 25:12 said it best. You can have the worst singers, singing trite and plain songs about Christ, but if there heart is in the right place, if they are thinking about our Lord and Savior they somehow find a new voice in that final performance.

The funny thing is that it shouldn't work. It is a classic argument. Do you let everyone sing? Even those that are tone deaf? Why cant we just get 8 very talented people and let them sing all of the songs? I am convinced that his approach would work. If you took the best 8 singers (1 for every part) and spent only 30 min a week learning the music you would have a better sound than if you simply allowed the masses to join and practice 3 hours a week.

You might ask why I am saying all of this; well the truth is more than anything to appreciate the opportunities to sing with the Saints. The reason we don't use the 8 voice system in the church is because quality doesn't matter. You might have a better sound with fewer more trained voices but the spirit would not be the same. There is something to be said of any large choir, but even more to be said of a group of saints gathering to sing praises to there God despite there weaknesses.

So that being said I guess all of the bad experiences that I have had with Stake Choir don't really matter. The voices that will never blend, those men who don't know how to use there falsetto, and the strange older gent who threw up in our performance last year not a foot from me. The smell wasn't that bad. I guess the point is just that things are not always meant to be perfect, just for the greater good. It is an opportunity to help those that don't know how to sing, learn to do it.

It reminds me of Ultimate. Those juniors at T-Ville could exclude those that aren't the best (like me) and just play games with the "elite" but for some reason they have decided not to exclude others from the joy but to share this wonderful thing with everyone. It is kind of like missionary work. It is something that has brought you joy, it is the good news so you want to share it with everyone you care about, and maybe those you don't so you can learn to care about them.

I think I have a bad habit of rambling, but the truth is that I kinda like it. This is me, the unedited, unabridged and uncensored edition. These are my thoughts and this is what I wanted to say. I might not be a good writer, some may think that I am frankly a bad and discursive writer but the important thing is that I got it all down. I was able to share my opinion and I didn't hold anything back, that to me is a victory in its own right.

Now that I have said that I have nothing more to express on this blog but thanks to all of you would make it worth while by reading it, even if you don't agree or don't like what I have written.