Monday, January 25, 2010

That Which We Cannot Have

It seems a peculiar quality in us humans that we always seem to want either that which we cannot have or do not deserve. I've even found this same condition in myself. I am inclined to view this as a problem, a flaw in human nature but i have decided against it because in all truthfulness i am not qualified to decide what is and is not good or praise-worthy about the innate human condition.

Now that being said this post may be a little to emotionally revealing for some of you who may be reading so if you are easily unnerved or "creeped-out" i would suggest turning away...or at least navigating away from this page.

There is someone that i believe is exceptional, someone who means a great deal to me that just recently came into my life. Well that statement isn't completely accurate. She came into my life some time ago but we had been out of contact for years. Now to be honest i didn't think much of her when i first met her, in fact, though her personality was intriguing i was to shallow to see who she was and was only interested because she seemed to be so taken with me. I regret that now but really it wasn't the time and certainly there was not place for any legitimate "romantic" hopes so could i go back, i don't know that i would do anything differently...i digress.

As i had the opportunity at the beginning of this month to get to know her again i quickly realized two things, one that she was far too good for me, someone i could never have or even deserve, and second that i was falling for her. She seemed to be everything i would ever want which was such a paradox to me, knowing as i did, that i could never merit such a person. Now just to be clear i don't want you to think that i am simply putting on a face of false humility or being self-deprecating, that just isn't me...frankly i love myself too much. The point is that i could espouse to you the many qualities that make her so great but in a very real sense it would be a great disrespectful to her to give such information without proper consent.

So anyway in accordance with societal customs i asked her out on a date and she said yes. So we went out, it was something simple but it was such a great date. Now i don't know how much she enjoyed it but it really was the best date i have had post-mission. Now to all those who know me, they know that i take disappointment in stride and really nothing can get me down. I would say that it is because i don't care enough about things in life, i put very few things as a priority above my own happiness. My mother would say it is just my carefree nature...regardless of the cause i was surprised by my reaction to the succeeding events.

As happy and blissful as i felt the night of the date and during the following day, it was just a mirror image of how i felt come Sunday. Now in her defense she has been nothing but kind, genuine, civil, honest, and direct with me (you would expect no less from someone like her) but of course i felt very differently about things than she did...

The inspiration for writing all of this came tonight as i thought back on it all, still feeling very much the same (not sad, i mean feeling the same about her), and worst knowing that she feels the same as she did as well. I realized that nothing i do, no matter how creative or "cute", or impressive will ever change her mind. Only her choice and her feelings will be able to achieve that...and so i have come full circle. It is the sad state of the Human Condition that we want what we can't have. We seek what we think we most want only to be denied it when it is found. This may be a little melodramatic but the feelings are real.

I haven't lost all hope, despite the appearance this post portrays. I am a little worried that if she were to stumble upon this blog she would immediately abandon any small interest she may still have in me but i needed this opportunity to put my thoughts down somewhere, to write. There is power in the writing, i just hope there is enough.

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